The Leak: Penn State Week

Friday, September 17, 2021

The Leak: Penn State Week

Syndication: The Montgomery Advertiser
Jake Crandall via Imagn Content Services, LLC

Things are NOT as they seem.

For the past several weeks, this publication has been tracking a story that the coach Harsin we see in the media and on the sidelines isn’t the real coach Harsin. It pains me to write, but it seems there’s a lot the Auburn Beat isn’t telling us about the new head man. Through leaked text conversations and interviews with Deep ThrAUt informants, I am hoping to find something a bit closer to the truth. Because you deserve it, Auburn fans.

After Auburn’s victory over Alabama State, the team met for a mandatory meeting Sunday afternoon. Nothing is unusual about that. However, something must have happened that got many sAUrces close to the program spooked.

This story was corroborated by another sAUrce who asked to remain anonymous, but whose name rhymes with Shmank Shmigsby. According to this source, “all the coaches spoke, normal stuff, film study,” he continued, “but then Hars {Coach Harsin} got up there, and just calmly recited these lyrics from memory, like it was a famous poem.” According to my sAUrce, coach Harsin finished the song with the line “You’ve been thunderstruck!” raised a fist in the air, and then calmly took his seat on the front row. The next speaker was was an intern who, according to sAUrces, made no mention of AC/DC in his presentation on the travel plans and media availability schedule for Penn State week.

This seems to be a pattern. Harsin is fastidious about so many aspects of this program, and seems to be obsessed with details. This carries over to other aspects of his life, including automobile maintenance.

“I’ve never seen a cleaner engine,” an unnamed AUssistant told me, “I mean, I’ve been around neat freaks, but this guy changes his oil almost weekly. That GTO is cleaner than a microprocessor factory.”

When asked about AC/DC lyrics being read to the team, the AUssistant told me, “Man, that’s Coach. We start each staff meeting reading lines from It’s a Long Way to the Top (if You Wanna Rock N Roll) as motivation.”

When pressed about rumors that parts of Pat Dye Field are needing to be resodded due to a certain GTO doing burnouts and donuts after the last game, the unnamed AUssistant refused to comment. However, a grounds crew member, when asked, offered only this comment: “It’s bullcrap. He’s a true maniac, but I mean.... they are sick burnouts.”

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